Building a Gratitude Habit
In his wonderful book “Atomic habits”, James Clear discusses how we can use research to our advantage when it comes to building habits that will lead to positive change in our lives.
One of the best habits you can build for yourselves and your children is that of a daily gratitude habit. Gratitude is linked to lower levels of depression and anxiety, better sleep, and better overall health. And getting into the habit of taking the time to feel grateful is free! And, it feels good!
So why don’t we do it naturally? Because our brains are wired towards a negativity bias. Our brains are always looking out for us, trying to protect us. Our survival brain’s default mode is “on”. Although this fact is difficult to change, especially if you personally have experienced trauma, abuse, scarcity, or neglect, it’s not impossible to change and it’s actually easy to create moments in which you allow your “survival brain” to turn off, and just focus on the good in your life. It’s like a vacation for your brain and body - really!
I want you all to try it this week.
Right now, think of what time of day it would be easiest for you to carve out 3-5 minutes to reflect and write down three things that happened during your day that you are thankful for.
For me, this turns out to be either first thing in the morning, when I wake up before the kids, or right before bed.
I try to have some time each morning in which I “prime” myself for my day by sitting quietly and giving myself three gifts - remembering three moments in my life in which I felt so grateful, happy, blessed, thankful to be alive. I try to remember what I heard, what I saw, who was there, how I felt, and it’s always amazing. I never know where or who I’m going to visit in these moments, but in those few minutes, I get to re-experience moments in my life that felt great. One that recurs for me is the moment when I was standing on a balcony on my wedding day, overlooking all the people in my life who have meant the most to me, and my future husband. In that moment I felt nervous, excited, overwhelmed with love and filled with emotion. I still hear the hum of the voices, what people wore, the smell of the old building.
Often these “gifts” are filled with people I haven’t seen in years, or who have since left this life. It never fails to remind me how fortunate I’ve been to have connected, loving moments with wonderful people, and this exercise always brings a smile (and sometimes even happy tears) to my face.
That is my favorite gratitude moment practice, but the truth is that I don’t always have a quiet moment in the mornings. On those busier days, I try to at least talk to my kids as I’m putting them to bed to see if - collectively - we can come up with three things that happened during our day that we’re thankful for. Moments that made us feel happy, or generous, or abundant, or useful, or loved, or funny. Talking about these together is a nice way to end our day.
Personally, I also like to keep a little notebook by my bed, and jot down three “wins” from the day, or three moments I want to remember. This might be something that I was putting off, but which I finally tackled. Sometimes it is something I said or did that I didn’t like because it wasn’t coming from my best self. In these cases, I tell myself I will learn from it and not repeat it. Other times, it is something I did wrong, a mistake or error, which I reframe as a step along the path of learning to do things better. That way, instead of beating myself up for errors or less than ideal actions, I can convert these experiences into learning opportunities that are making me a better parent, spouse, friend, and self. During the day I try to take “mental snapshots” of moments with my kids - for example, what my daughter looked like when she looked at me with her currently toothless smile, or how my son and I high fived when he finished his last assignment of 4th grade. It only takes me a couple minutes to jot these down at the end of a day, but it gives me a cozy memory to revisit weeks or months later.
I would love to hear how you build gratitude into your life and how it impacts you. Please comment below!
