This blog is an intro to productivity blogs that will follow inspired by my recent reading of three books:

-The 5 AM club

-The 12 week year

-168 hours

Here’s the paradox I was chewing on when I wrote it:

I’m responsible for my own happiness AND I can’t control most things that happen to me.

I can only control my actions and my attitudes/thoughts. 

This sounds like a puzzle, but it is in fact an inarguable Truth, with a capital “T”. 

At age 45, I’m finally realizing that people who have great results in their lives, in any field, got there by steadily working at a goal, regularly and consistently, for YEARS. For the vast majority of us, there will be no shortcuts. In fact, it will be a long and winding road, with unexpected detours. There is no quick fix. Despite knowing this, our brains tend to latch on to the belief that people who have the things we desire must have something we don’t. A better life, a faster metabolism, a more supportive spouse, a bigger house, a nicer car, a trust fund, a higher IQ? Our brains convince us that things that are actually extremely rare, such as winning the lottery or becoming an overnight viral TikTok star, have something we don’t. As a result of this false belief, our motivation drops and inertia keeps us from changing. After all, what’s the point in trying, if you don’t believe you can succeed because you don’t have what it takes? 

We convince ourselves that we are OK with the way things are, or that we are the way we are because of something outside our control (a past trauma, a slow metabolism, a parent who had an addictive personality which they passed on to us). Or we convince ourselves that we didn’t really want to achieve what we used to dream about anyway, that was just a childish dream. Adults go to work and pay their bills. Life is suffering, but it could be worse, right? 

Hell, no!

You - every one of you - deserve to have an extraordinary life of your dreams. Imagine how much better the world would be if we all went for the extraordinary life we dream of?

But to get everything you want in life, you first must be willing to admit to yourself that you really, really want it, and not be afraid to commit to working until you get it. That step alone is hard and uncomfortable and most of us don’t do it. Instead, we tell ourselves stories and create belief systems that make us think it’s not our fault we aren’t where we want to be, or that we don’t want those things at all. Why? Because accepting the truth - that our life is our creation and we are responsible for everything in it, including all our suffering, is a hard pill to swallow. It creates emotional pain and distress. 

Wait, emotional pain and distress? That’s bad, why would I want to bring that upon myself?

Well, it does feel bad for a time, but actually, it’s good! Kind of like the pain your muscles feel when you start working out after a long period of inactivity, the emotional pain you feel when you shed something you’re doing that is related to a belief that no longer serves you is a clear sign that you’re on the path to some amazing development. 

The emotional pain of realizing that you, and you alone, are responsible for all the things in your life that are causing you distress is transformative and truly empowering, because it drives you to do something about it. 

The question I’ve been working on, though, is HOW? Once you have a clear vision of what you want your life to be, how do you get there? How do you stay focused on that long and winding path, through the detours that will inevitably enter, for YEARS?

The answer is that emotion drives all of our decisions. And decisions are the actions that cut things out of our life so we can move closer to our goals. 

I’ll give an example from my own life. Last year, after I left my 8-5 job with Kaiser Permanente, I took a summer off. The first summer off in 30 years. It was glorious! 

During this time, while living near my sister and her family and having regular family dinners together, I got into the habit of having a glass of wine with dinner. After three months, this was an ingrained, automatic habit. I usually started a glass as I prepared the meal, finished it as I ate the meal and often had another during the meal. I don’t think I was ever drunk, there were no personal or legal repercussions, I don’t necessarily think it was excessive, and I did enjoy it. But it was unusual for me to drink so regularly.

When the fall came around and my kids went back to school, I found that I kept drinking a drink or two every night. And I made sure to buy enough wine to last me until my next routine grocery shopping trip. I told myself I didn’t NEED it, I just LIKED it. But I did notice I looked forward to it. The blood alcohol concentration boost at the end of the day was like a warm, relaxing blanket over my shoulders. 

Sometime around the holidays, I realized that this was the longest stretch of daily alcohol consumption in my life. (My trainer has had me track everything I eat and drink since October 2020 in an app called “Lose it”, so I could see how long it had been). The fact that my own father has an alcohol use disorder, and my husband’s father died from complications of his alcohol use disorder, made me think it probably wasn’t for the best for me to continue drinking daily. 

I started have thoughts like “I should cut back” and “I should just drink twice a week” or “I’ll just buy one bottle to drink on Friday and Saturday nights”. My husband mentioned something, but when I asked him if he thought it was a problem, he stated he wasn’t concerned, then he bought me a bottle of wine, so I figured all was well. 

Between being unable to resist an open bottle in the fridge, date nights, and special occasions, going even one week without a single drink was hard for me, which really surprised me. This was despite the fact that for many years I didn’t really drink at all. 

It wasn’t until I made a separate, unrelated decision with some accountability buddies to start waking up early for twelve weeks, and started tracking this separate habit, that I stopped drinking alcohol. It was really easy to stop this time, I didn’t have to even think about it. There was just one day in the grocery store where I said “No, I won’t buy wine today because I’m getting up early”, and that was that. 

Why was it different now? Clearly, my commitment to getting up early made the decision to cut out alcohol simple. If I drank any alcohol at night, it made it harder to wake up early, so I stopped because my commitment to my new goal was greater than my enjoyment of a glass of wine. I saw that this new accountability group of highly motivated people was a group I wanted to be a part of.

What I observed was that critical thoughts about my drinking didn’t motivate me to change my behavior. Plans to “cut back” on my drinking didn’t make me change my behavior. What gave me the strength to do it was when I took action by committing to friends to a new goal/identity as someone who wakes up at 5 am. And drinking nightly is not something that my body can handle when the alarm is set at 5 AM, so it stopped. 

I think this is key. Whether you’re looking to quit smoking, stop eating sugar, pay off credit card debt, gain muscle and lose fat (the actual goal of people who say they want to “lose weight”), or whatever else - you need to realize that critical thoughts definitely won’t get you there. They sap your motivation, and never add to it. Similarly, a slow and gradual plan to change probably won’t get you there. Committing to a new habit that cuts out or makes less appealing that which you’re trying to leave behind will get you there, and having a friend or accountability buddy who you will report to about your success will also greatly increase your chances.  

As parents, we have to keep these factors in mind when we think about how we act to encourage our kids to change their behaviors. Often we try to lecture them about why what they’re doing is problematic, which is like criticism. They may say “You’re right, Mom” or “You’re right, Dad”, but are they more likely to change? No way! All you’ve done is activate the emotion of shame, which has decreased their motivation. Instead, talk with them to elicit what change they’d like to see in themselves. Then, reflect that back to them in your own words and ask if you’ve got it right. Repeat, if needed until you’re sure you’re on the same page. Next, tell them what you just read about how people effectively make changes. Brainstorm with your child some new habit or identity they could embrace that would make their old problematic behavior less likely. See if they’re willing to track it with you as an accountability partner, or if they have a friend who might want to try the same new habit. 

Here’s an example. Your preteen misses some homework assignments and brings home a letter from the teacher warning that his grade will be a D if he doesn’t turn in the 6 missing assignments by the end of the week. My initial reaction would be something like “6 assignments??? Are you kidding me? You’ve been coming home and playing video games for two hours every day and you had six missing math assignments? Go to your room and don’t come out until they’re done!” 

Would that motivate my child? No, it would lead to a shame spiral. 

Instead, I could take a deep breath and instead verbalize something sympathetic like “Oh, that must have felt stressful to receive this letter and have to bring it home to us for our signature. How are you feeling?” Let him talk about it. You’ll probably hear things that indicate your child is not yet able to see their responsibility for their situation. Common responses are blaming/excuses like “It’s not fair, this teacher assigns so much busy work!” and “Half the assignments are on the board, and half are in the computer, I can’t keep it straight!” and “I’m so busy, I don’t have time to do all this stupid homework!”

The goal should be to help him move from a place of externalized control (blaming others or the situation) to focusing on his internal control (what he can do). He will first need to vent, and let his emotions blow off before he can be calm enough to problem solve. Then, let him think about what the next best step is, and ask how you can support him. If he’s not willing to take steps to correct the behavior, that’s avoidance, and it indicates he’s still feeling ashamed. You’ll be tempted to start lecturing, but try not to. Instead, just reflect that “It seems like this is really not work you want to do” and start the venting cycle again to try to get his internal emotional temperature to cool off enough to be able to problem solve. 

Good luck, you’ve got this!