In my work as a psychiatrist, I have helped countless patients work through things that make them feel “stuck” - anxieties, fears, worries. When we would dig down to explore what lay under these feelings, the common root issue was almost always a fear that one won’t be “enough” and, therefore, that one wouldn’t be worthy of receiving love. This primary fear, that of not being “enough” is behind the “yeah, but what if…” thoughts that stop us from acting on our good ideas, our judgements of others (since judgment is just projections of our own fears), our inner critic voice, and our self-doubt. 

In 2008, a team at the University Leeds and Yale University conducted a research study that was published in the prestigious journal, Science. In it, they exposed subjects to touching: a) a cold or hot beverage briefly, or b) a cold or hot pack briefly. These experimental manipulations were then tested for their effect on: a) how “warm” the subjects rated the character of a hypothetical job applicant given certain neutral adjectives used to describe the applicant, or b) how likely the subjects were to choose a gift for a friend vs. a reward for themselves in exchange for their participation in the study (an experimental measure of generosity). 

Just a few seconds of touching something warm or something cold significantly affected both outcomes. That is, touching a warm beverage led participants to interpret neutral adjectives describing a potential job applicant as “warm”, and also significantly increased the likelihood that participants would choose to gift a reward rather than take a reward for their own enjoyment. 

I was blown away by this study.

If just a few seconds of touching hot or cold from a stranger primes our brains to process neutral stimuli in warm and generous ways vs. mistrustful and self-serving ways, imagine what this means about the power we have as parents! Just think about the impact our nonverbal communication, tone of voice, and words have on our kids, partners, co-workers, friends and family. We humans are all such amazing machines, our brains are processing so much information every moment, and we are indeed so sensitive to all inputs, even those we’re not aware are influencing us!

This means with a little conscious effort in our day to day interactions, we can help our children to know, deep down in their souls, that they are, always have been, and always will be “enough”. Not just by saying “I love you”, but by holding them in high regard at all times. Listen to them, be curious about them, touch them gently in passing. Let them regularly hear you complimenting them on their behavior, their kind words, their work ethic, their generosity, their energy, their spirit, their tenacity. I think we often get busy, lost in our own heads and thoughts, and as a result, most of our expressed language to our kids ends up corrective or directive. We forget the importance of verbalizing and expressing simple positive interactions, compliments, appreciation, and thanks. 

In building our kids up many times, every day, we can encourage them to try AND encourage them to fail. We can teach them to celebrate their failures (yes, really!). I encourage you to talk to your kids about your own failures, and how, in retrospect, you can see that they were in fact necessary steps to your success. Lead by example. 

Talk about the most successful people in the world, and how many times they failed before they succeeded. There are so many examples! Believing in oneself and not giving up, and learning from experiences, are all keys to success in life. Much more so than good grades, or prestigious degrees. Intelligence confers a certain advantage, that is true, but the right mindset is what really distinguishes successful people from unsuccessful people. 

Failures are opportunities to hone our skills, learn what doesn’t work, and get better at what’s important to us. But only if we don’t let inevitable setbacks strengthen our inner critic, the voice that tells us “see, you don’t have what it takes, you’ll never be enough”.