Psychologists who study parenting often write and describe three broad parenting styles, which fall on a continuous spectrum. On the one end, there are “permissive” parents. These parents often have difficulty setting limits, being consistent, or saying ‘no’ to their kids. Often, these parents find it very difficult to tolerate distress in their children, so they give in to prevent tears, tantrums, or meltdowns.

Permissive parents can be passive or overly intrusive. They may allow their child to stay home from school, accumulating excessive absences, or not push their child to brush their teeth regularly, resulting in tooth decay (passive). Or, they may try to intervene with other kids on the playground on behalf of their child to ensure their child 'gets a turn’ (overly intrusive).

Our parenting style continues as our kids grow up. In some extreme cases described in the book “How to raise an adult” by former Stanford Dean Julie Lythcott-Haims, she knew of parents who had called employers to complain after their adult child received a rejection from a job interview! An example of permissive parenting you may have seen portrayed in movies would be the father of Veruca Salt in Roald Dahl’s story, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

In my clinical work, I observed that passive parents were more likely to raise kids who had an underdeveloped ability to cope with setbacks, stressors, or negative emotions. I saw this type of parenting style over-represented in my work with teens who had developed substance use disorders. I also see it over-represented in teens who are depressed, as having the skills to cope with setbacks is a pretty important life skill. And without it, your self esteem is very fragile when you hit adolescence. The same parents would have great difficulty setting limits with any screen time or phone use, even when it was contributing to a negative mood in the child, because they feared what would happen if they set a limit.

On the other end of the spectrum is the “authoritarian” parent. These are parents who feel it’s necessary to be very strict with kids, to show them who’s boss. “My way or the highway”, so to speak. In such relationships, kids learn early on their low ranking place within the family. They tend to develop learned helplessness and a passive, quiet approach with the parent, or extreme defiance. They may display aggression towards peers at a young age as an outlet to their frustration at perceived injustice. Again, these excessive attempts by a parent to be controlling often backfire once the child reaches adolescence or adulthood, because they have underdeveloped self control. Acting out, and sometimes getting out of control, can result. Substance use, promiscuity, or other risk taking may occur. This style of parenting often leads to tense relationships between child and parent, in which the child can feel unimportant and that their opinions and feelings don’t matter. Although strict parenting can be done in a loving way, the extreme end of authoritarian parenting styles does not result in a terrific adult child-parent close relationship.

The Goldilocks “just right” of parenting styles seems to be the middle ground, which psychologists call “authoritative” parenting. In this case, parents set clear limits, expectations, and boundaries, but they are compassionate when children bump up against these limits. They don’t over react when they need to help their kids correct course, because they maintain a confidence and faith in their kids that they will mature and end up with the skills they need to be productive citizens. They allow enough flexibility to let their kids develop into their true selves, and they make it clear that their love can withstand their child’s protests, but also will not be withdrawn, regardless of the child’s choices. It is patient, confident, and in control.

As I said, this is a spectrum, and I’m illustrating the extremes here. In reality, as parents, we don’t need to be perfect, and none of us are static on this spectrum. We all have moments where we’re more authoritarian, and moments when we’re more permissive. That’s normal and OK. When we’re having tense times, or when we’re not on the same page as a co-parent, it can be helpful to revisit this idea of the permissive-authoritative-authoritarian spectrum, and discuss with a friend or co-parent where we’re currently at, and how we might move to be more “just right”.

Often, in dual-parent households, when faced with difficult situations with our kids, we balance each other out. One parent may lean more permissive in a scenario, while the other leans more authoritarian to compensate. Often, these differences of opinion become big argument triggers in parental relationships. It’s important to be mindful when you’re not on the same page, to note that you have different opinions, and to revisit the subject at a later time, privately. When you can come together as parents in a unified middle ground it is always going to better, both for you as parents, and for your kids.