When it comes to our kids’ behaviors, let’s be honest - they are often baffling!

I encourage you to simplify your thoughts and approach to your kids by thinking of their behaviors in three categories:

1. Things you like and would love to see happen more often

2. Things you’re not a huge fan of, or that annoy you, and which you would be happy to see stop

3. Things that you can’t tolerate, or that are dangerous, and therefore must stop

If you have to rank these in order of how likely you are to say or do something in response to your child engaging in one of these categories, how would you rank them? If I’m honest with myself, I’d say I’m most likely to respond immediately to my kids’ behavior if it’s category 3 - something I can’t tolerate or that’s dangerous. I’m second most likely to respond to my kids if they’re annoying me or doing something that irritates me, and I’m probably least likely to say or do something to them when they’re doing something I like, though I’m trying really hard to be better about this. Most of us are often occupied and busy, and therefore distracted by other things when we’re with our kids. As a result, we default to responding to the things that register enough to distract us - like dangerous or intolerable behavior. The busier and less present we are with our kids, the harder it is to give equal attention to the things kids do that we like (playing quietly, for instance, or seeking our input on a play or school task). 

Now, consider that kids don’t just thrive on connection to us, their parents, they NEED it. They need to feel significant to us as much as they need air to breathe and food to eat. So even when we’re upset or yelling at them, that attention serves a need for them - feeling connected to us, significant to us, and important enough to get our attention. If we’re not satisfying their need for connection with positive interactions, they will (unconsciously) behave in a way that gets our attention by doing things that are annoying or naughty, or even dangerous. This is not because they’re bad, or truly naughty, it’s because they have a basic need we’re not meeting in the moment. 

So, what is a busy parent to do? We all want to see more category 1 behavior, and less category 2 behavior, and little to no category 3 behavior. How do we shift the frequency of these behaviors?

The good news is that once we acknowledge that our actions play a huge roll in our kids behavior, we can feel empowered. The truth is that we, as parents, have a huge ability to influence our kids’ behavior if we focus on what we can control - namely, our actions and attitudes. 

To do this, it helps if we understand something about operant conditioning. This is a term from psychology research that explains how we can shape behavior. 

The options are:

1.  Reinforcement (anything we do that makes a behavior MORE likely) - we can and should utilize this approach for category 1 behaviors, the things we want to see MORE of. 

2. Ignoring/do nothing (although this feels passive, it’s effective. Since ignoring is not reinforcing AND not feeding into our child’s need for connection with us and feeling significant to us, ignoring inevitably leads to an undesired behavior extinguishing over time) - we can use this approach for category 2 behaviors, the things we don’t like, and would like to go away or stop. 

3. Punishment (anything we do that makes a behavior LESS likely). Thankfully, because it doesn’t feel good for us or our kids, we can utilize this approach least often and ONLY for category 3 behaviors, which should be the smallest/least common category of behaviors. 

Let’s start with reinforcement. Reinforcement comes in two forms - we can use positive or negative reinforcement. Happy news - reinforcement is THE MOST EFFECTIVE way to shape behavior. 

Positive reinforcement is the easiest of these for me to get my head around, I think it’s pretty natural to understand that when good behavior gets rewarded, it’s more likely to recur. There are many flavors of positive reinforcement, and they don’t have to cost money - verbal praise, physical touch (high fives anyone?), rewards, a thumbs up, a wink, sticker charts, brownie points, simple “thanks”, letting your kid pick the seat in the car on the next drive, letting your child choose what’s for snack, letting your child choose the TV show that night. The options are infinite, let your imagination soar!

Negative reinforcement, on the other hand, is the removal of a disincentive to reinforce behavior. Natural consequences can be negatively reinforcing of good habits - for example brushing your teeth makes cavities less likely to occur, so it’s a habit that is negatively reinforced. Having strict structure for bedtime, screen time, and homework time also gives you more options for negative reinforcement. For example, we have a “no technology or TV in the morning” rule, but if my kids get up, dressed, have breakfast, brush their teeth, and are ready for the bus early, I don’t mind if they watch a TV show, and they know this. It’s negative reinforcement of what I want (them being self directed about getting ready) because I remove the “no screens” rule if they’ve done what they need to do. 

Beware, however, that we all often fall into a negative reinforcement trap with our kids. This almost always occurs with category two behaviors, and rarely category three behaviors. What am I talking about? Well, when we make a request or command of our kids that they don’t like, for them it’s a negative and aversive stimulus and they naturally oppose it. Again, not because they’re bad or naughty kids, but because they’re enjoying what they’re doing and we’re trying to put an end to it. 

Let’s imagine the common daily scenario (at least in my house) of the clock getting to 7:30 PM, and we ask our children to turn off the TV and brush their teeth. This usually leads to “Please Mom/Dad, just five more minutes!”, if not a frank refusal or whiny complaint.

When we make a request or a command to our kids, and they respond in one of these ways, they are trying to get us to withdraw our request, since they perceive it as an aversive event. If we remove this aversive stimulus (the request) by giving in, we are negatively reinforcing behaviors and habits in our kids that we really don’t like. This is the trap!

We need to stand our ground and ignore this behavior (whining, pleading, begging), which will lead it to extinguish over time. Or we can implement a negative or positive punishment. The ignoring is far preferable, because it feels better for both us and our children, which makes it easier. And also because it’s less likely to escalate our child to anger, which usually escalates us to distress too. The problem is that reinforcement in all forms (positive and negative) is more powerful at shaping behavior than ignoring or punishment. So, if we sometimes give in (which we’re prone to do, especially since these types of behaviors tend to happen at the end of the day, when we’re tired and we have no fight left is us) we can end up creating a big monster behavior. If our child gets what they want even 10-30% of the time when they whine/beg/plead/cry, they’re not likely to stop.

If we really want a behavior like whining or tantruming to stop, we have to commit to ignoring the behavior all the time. And if we have a co-parent or other caregiver helping out, they have to be on board with this plan too. 

This is really hard to do, so it’s important to work on your own emotional reaction to the category two behaviors your child or children normally engage in. As Dr. Becky Kennedy says, “find your inner sturdy leader”. I like to imagine Gramma Tala from Moana, the unshakeable, amused older woman who knows in her heart who Moana is, and is not afraid to see her grow into that true self. Take a deep breath, literally count in for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, and hold your breath for four seconds. Do this 4 times = only 1 minute 4 seconds.

While breathing, tap into your certainty that your child is beautiful, loving, kind, and generous, and smile serenely as you repeat your request again - this time calmly, closely (within arms length, in front of their eyes), and more quietly (in a whisper), until they comply. If they stomp off angrily, but are doing what you requested, note the compliance and say “Thank you!” like you mean it. Don’t dwell on the behavior you didn’t like (stomping, attitude, tone of voice, facial expression or whatever). Instead, start focusing on what they’re doing that you do like, and positively reinforce it. For example, “Wow, your teeth are so shiny now, you brushed really carefully! What story would you like me to read tonight?”

I think I’ll leave a discussion of punishment (positive and negative) for the next blog post, as there’s lots to unpack there! But to give you all hope, I think it’s possible to almost eliminate punishment if you focus enough of your energy on reinforcement and ignoring. Doing so refills your child’s emotional bank account, and your own. Punishment, on the other hand, depletes both your and your child’s emotional bank accounts. And when your emotional cups are full, it’s so much easier to stay in categories 1 and 2!